the money tree

money has been on mind. not that i want a lot of it, am utterly starving for it, or obsess day and night over it. but the fact is that do to the things that i want to do in life (aka keep learning, have good family dinners, take trips with friends, plant gardens all around san diego, establish a cafe, give freely to my friends, pay off my debts to my school and my delicious family members)

i applied for a credit card today. i know,with this economy, bad timing right? but its time i start getting money back for the wonderful credit i have maintained over the last four years and its time to step outside of my box and take ownership for some things! 0% APR for 12 months, a free limousine ride all around the town, free junk mail for life, auto rental insurance, AND a cute little flashlight for my keychain!??

sign me up!!!

here we go into the world of capitalist consumerism... or maybe its just student loan debt settling in....

patience. sprouting .seeking

there's a few things on my mind these days... i think they're pretty well summed up by these two separate, but very related verses.
2 timothy 1:7 says "for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline". this has been ringing in my ears as i've been meditating in scripture and trying to push myself in my relationships, my job hunt, my passions, etc. i'm not one to be shy or fearful, but so often i experience small surges of these emotions in the midst of life in transition...questions, unknowns, changes, exciting developments... i have all the strength and confidence i need because i know and trust that He has made me the way i am, has given me my gifts and desires for me to be bold and to live abundantly... However, with these changes in my role, my friendships, my career directions and new seasons, i also must take to heart that fruit takes time to grow from certain planted seeds, that patience is among the most needed medicines, that those dreams and hard work which will be long lasting and bountiful can hardly materialize overnight...
2 peter 3.9 says "the lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance". as i pray for the Lord to increase in me His patience, to provide for me and guide me, i'm also remembering that He is faithful to keep these promises. there are a myriad of delicate, intricate examples of this all around me that encourage me to continue to seek Him, to challenge myself in my faith, in my questions, in my relationships, in my community...

june

june gloom is rampant throughout san diego. not gloomy in a depressing kind of way, but gloomy in the 'it looks grey outside when i wake up makes me want to sleep in and play all day' way. make sense?

but these grey skies and balmy breezes are just an over-sized incubator for all green, growing, silently sprouting things...


farmers markets.
loquat seedlings.
new fruits. new friends.
music.
green roofing.

peach season

the succulent and juicy devouring of fruit has begun.

there's an amazing secret market (that is not really that secret though i like to think of it that way) that sells the most delicious fruits and vegetables of all sorts (the kind that you wouldn't just stumble upon in the back of a vons supermarket). the price is unmatchable, the taste unbelievable.

apricots. pluots. mangos. donut peaches. nectarines. starfruit. pears. cherries. apples. sweet baby bananas. papaya. dragonfruit. korean melons. grapefruit. asian plums.

i can hardly contain myself.
i wake up and bite into the most juicy and sweet peaches that have ever touched my lips. i graze on apples and plums and apricots like a chain smoker inhales Marlboros.
good thing that my digestive tracts are working smoothly :)

cheers to all the summer fruits and the blessings of their sweet aromas and tastes dancing fancifully across our tongues...

ash blue dragonflies and days spent in the river...

drifting in cool refreshing water, diverged in some sacred place between arizona and colorado, watching the dragonflies rest their wings upon my sandy toes, feeling the glare of Sun's gold reflection splashing heat and radiance against my sweat-stained skin, the wind rustling among the reeds that longingly hang beside the shoreline... floating downstream among swirling green rapids, the air, hot and dry as my skin could bear, a flawless blue sky for my gaze to lose itself in...

cleansing is so necessary. reading and resting and eating fruits and vegetables and going to bed when its dark and rising when its light, listening to the animals, heeding the rhythms of the earth. recalibration is so necessary. the desert is astonishing. ambrosial. delightful. vibrant. sacred. silent and not so silent. paradisaical. engrossing. alluring.

as evening approaches and the heat finally recedes as the shadows grow on the trees, the moonless night sky begins her dazzling pageant of shooting stars, glimmering dusts and roaming satellites. darkness falls and i find myself lying beneath the vast dome of limitless sky, universe, life...wondering

how big is it? how many other places just like earth are there if there are trillions of stars and planets and suns and galaxies just like ours? how vast and unfathomable is god if in fact there are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on earth? have you ever examined the insurmountable quantity of individual grains of sand after only lightly pressing your skin against it??

i laid there on the desert floor feeling the warm energy of the rocks and dirt pushing against me, gazing out into this infinity of light and darkness, of god and mystery and wonder, my mind losing its ability to focus on one idea or thought or emotion and i tried to sift through endless questions of meaning, of truth, of love, of trust, of the unmistakable evidence in this overwhelmingly magnificent earth of our intimate relationship with the creator.

big questions like what if there's more than one way to know god, to follow him, to love him and to experience his fullness. silly questions like how long will it take for us to be able to explore those farthest outcroppings and bring back samples of space dust for all to see and taste? all of these questions are pushing me deeper and deeper into my love for god, further and further into my own, unique faith in god. i am constantly amazed and speechless that god has created this vastly beautiful universe in all its grandeur and majesty, and he created the materials and energy that organize themselves as delicately as dragonfly wings, as a human mind, and other delicate and complex things...

for some reason that moment, that hour spent dazed beneath such an immense sky, was so significant for me. the thought that came about again and again, just as constant and reocurring as the swirling eddy's of the river, was,

"i want to be known...i want the god of the all this immeasurable existence to know me..."and i know this is how it is, but there are small, sacred moments when all of existence and the unlimited possibilities of it unleashes its weight right in the very middle point of my soul. so i let the warm tears slide silently down my cheek as i enjoy and experience these emotions and explore them all the more...

effulgence and aum

much like the perfectly clear blue sky that lingered endlessly and cohesively across the sea's shoulders yesterday in the late sunlight of a warm, windy sunday afternoon, i aspire to be expansive, bright, limitless, and radiant. yet even on the most pristine of days, when the world and all its pieces are so completely awe inspiring, when my vision and my horizons seem to have so much clarity, i question whether being radiance can truly exist and thrive at all times, both in nature and in myself.

breathtaking is a word i often use to try and describe how being alive affects me. taking notice of the grandeur of things: nature, people, physical elements, emotions, awareness.

i'm doing a lot of breathtaking lately. intentionally and surprisingly. there's times in this period of transition where everything seems so clear and direct in front of me; what i need to do, who i need to be invested in, where i want to go etc. and at those very moments of pristine clarity, everything also seems so expansive, so overwhelming, so limitless that i have a hard time catching my breath.

Folding a yoga mat has become such a normal ritual to me; breathing steadily and purposefully, the muscles of my body and my mind being stretched and rejuvenated. I feel the strong deep vibrations buzzing throughout my spine and my spirit- aum-

i guess these days are filled with lots of good open space to think, to fill out job applications, to pray and meditate and ask myself thick questions about who and what i want to become, how i want to live my life, to enjoy the abundance of clear blue skies and let myself get lost in dizzying thoughts with the trust and confidence that all of those will come together in due time in a beautiful story, a beautiful unfolding journey...

under His skies,
b

home really is the heart...

"home is about love, relationship, community, and belonging, and we are all searching for home" -erwin mcmanus

i've been thinking a lot about the concept of home, the tangible reality of creating it, pursuing it, enjoying it, understanding it. we're all searching for home because we're all searching for intimacy, meaning, and belonging. we're all piling up our storehouses full of goods, talents, relationships, businesses, objects, thoughts, experiences, and dreams in hope of creating some sense of self, of security, of connectedness, when really our craving for home and this deeper burning sense of the need to be loved and to express love to others comes from our unquestionable proximity and connectedness to god.

there's this other concept i'm chewing on lately, and that is compassion. not necessarily compassion in the sense of being kind and generous and reaching out to others in need, though those actions are all aromatic fruits of a deeper seed-compassion in the sense of suffering with one another, sometimes without words or action but by practicing presence. god is known as emmanuel, or god-with-us, because he is in us, around us, desires to love us and be loved by us.

call me crazy but aren't these two notions extremely and unavoidably linked? isn't my desire for a sense of home in the midst of transition a composite of my desire for being at home with god, for being compassionate as god is compassionate and practicing a simple awareness, a presence of community based on love and relationship? i know that i am hardly representative of a minority of people who crave love, fulfilling relationships, and a place to always call home.

as i draw nearer and nearer to god through my own personal introspection, travel experiences, relationships and life lessons, i find that all the more i am swimming in his compassion, unable to escape his presence, his authority, his grandeur and his beautiful subtleties... i find the more and more that i try and set boundaries to what home is, they are equally and enigmatically struck down and rethreaded. home is not a specific place or time, not even with specific people or things, its not a memory and its not necessarily a goal...its something that exists and thrives through connectedness with other humans, through connectedness with gods spirit, nature, oneself...home is where you allow yourself to be known, to be involved, to be loved and to have compassion for and with those around you.

mcmanus also writes that 'jesus called to all who were weary and who found their souls exhausted to come to him and find rest. he is telling us that god will be for us our place called home'...

nearly every day i experience the sensation of missing being at the place i have called home for so many years. i miss my family, i miss colorado, i miss my things and my memories and all that i am physically and emotionally attached to there. yet with every day that i spend and appreciate living in san diego, i find that my home is closer to me than i have even realized. i'm able to commune with friends who are sometimes closer than family, to experience god in deep and exciting ways through people, places, and prayer. i get to be involved with movements and organizations that move me and inspire me to do good, to reach out, to grow in this world.

if anyone is serious about fulfilling that longing sense of the need for home, the need for love, the need for meaning and intimacy, he or she must realize that the kingdom of god dwells within our human hearts, that home is a result of assuming a compassionate posture before and with god, that intentional community and investing in relationships is the foundation for any fruitful root system...

home is...where the heart is...