doing nothing when planning on doing everything

sometimes i wonder if i will fail.

i often do.
i'm pretty self critical and i struggle when i think that i fail
at my own goals or being an amazing friend or being incredibly productive and
fruitful and having a sense that i have an am establishing myself in this world and beyond this world, this life. sometimes i wonder if i fail in my walk following jesus, if i fail at being a good human being, however that looks like. i can't quite seem to pick one thing and nail it, master it, feel like i gave it my all...

i definitely fail at conforming to the standards of high fashion, making obscene amounts of money, and having shallow relationships.

in my darkest hours, i allow myself to believe these subtle limericks, to beat myself up again and again for not pushing hard enough, for not being there, for not doing as much as i expect of myself or compared to my peers and mentors. i allow my impatience to influence my train of thought, and allow self deprecating emotions and thoughts to muddy my clear view and my open perspective. i find myself in these strange moments, alone and unchecked in my tangle of thoughts and actions...i allow my selfish and undisciplined nature to seize the opportunity to lavish itself in ease, luxury, unconscious decisions...

in Romans, Paul speaks about this struggle against his sinful nature, about knowing what is good, what is god's law, and yet not doing those things and hating himself for it... i guess my situation is similar, though i'm still trying to work out my opinions about the nature of man and whether all things that we do according to this are sin or what sin is really...but there's something catchy to how he says it in chapter 7: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do".

self discipline is just that. confrontation. conscious intentional actions to see through the goals i set before myself and the traits i wish to pursue in my self.
there's harder days. i get down on myself. i loose a bit of strength and patience and self respect. i have to build it back up again, finding encouragement in prayer, meditation, focus...

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