the day i fell in love with an indian man...

with every day that passes, every book i read, every person i talk with and inner argument i pose with myself, with every delicious meal with which i entertain my taste buds and with each slow, voluptuous breath of fresh morning air i am blessed to inhale, i am more and more convinced that the more i know the less i really know, and yet the one thing i do know is that god is mightily bigger, more complex, sometimes less tangible feeling, and yet more true and personal than ever before.

whether or not you believe in reincarnation, karma, a one-time existence and the domains of heaven and hell, whether or not you follow a religion or speak mantras or do not care in the least bit about the bigger purpose in life and existence- there is an undeniable truth that pervades the human experience, and that is love.

life is eternal, and no matter where you are on your journey, there is this ultimate purpose that we as humans are privileged to fulfill and experience. We get to learn how to love, we get to feel and breath and crave and create and soak in love, because when it all boils down, love inspires creation and god, our source, is comprised 100% of love; therefore we are made of it, immersed in it, in dire need of receiving it and utterly blessed to give it to others.

this past week i spent a lot of time with people who were complete strangers to me. people who have different skin, different expressions, different languages, habits, backgrounds, beliefs, dreams, hurts, preferences, and styles. we gathered together in the presence of someone who imbibes this concept of love, who desires for us to understand how and to experience it in its fullest capacity.

strangers in every sense of the word, he (the exact opposite of me) and i sat eyes locked, hand in hand, hearts beating uncontrollably, nearly chest to chest, for what seemed hours on end. we embraced the deepest core of one another, finding comfort and joy in knowing that we are both from the same source, needing the same things, sharing the same energy , connected much more intimately than we may ever have imagined. soon the unfamilar face that caused me to twinge with anxiety soon elicited laughter deep within me. his eyes, at first seemingly far away and unreachable transformed into eyes, a soul, i have known my entire life. tears worthy of only the purest joy began to stream down his cheeks as warmth began to occupy every space in my heart. i immersed myself in his arms, let myself melt into him as we held each other and rocked back and forth together in that small space of time.

i felt as if i was one with this man, this complete stranger. i felt as though everything about myself that i loved, that felt divine and good in me i could see and feel in him as well. it was like looking into the eyes of someone who has share your heart for years. trust. safety. being known. light.

i underestimated the love that i have claimed to know and give so frequently during my life. i underestimated how freeing it feels to let go of insecurities, of fears, of comfortable boxes and spaces and to let oneself merge with another soul simply by recognizing that god resides equally as much in one as the other. it sounds strange, but its perfect, actually. its the difference between understanding what a perfect mountain blizzard should feel or look like, and actually experiencing it for yourself, feeling the cold air rush down your neck, seeing the glimmer of the sunshine in each delicate snowflake, hearing the crunch of fresh packed snow beneath your boots, undressing from the layers of clothes and experiencing the heat of a raging fireplace tickle every inch of your skin...

love is what creation is all about. love is what the creator is all about. love is all we have to understand and experience, just a glimmer of the bigger picture...

colorful concentrated moments

leaves practice such zen lives. they hang quietly and freely from their high vistas, soaking in the sunlight and the beauty of the earth...they grow and sing and play together until one day their strength finally subsides, their potential and existence meets its peak and... colors, their souls, explode in expressions of love and vibrancy.
they act as birds, falling effortlessly through canopies of green until the gentle lips of the stream catch them, offering respite in its cool eddies. they, thinking as fish, dive and swirl beneath the water's surface, eventually losing their colors, dissolving into one energy with the stream...


its a wonder what a few days of hiking through a forest can do to you. what a few days of intense personal destruction and transformation in the presence of an amazing human being can do for you. there are moments in life when all the colors seem to fuse together and what was once gnarled and uncomfortable dissolves away into a newer, brighter resolution.

the intensity and concentration can almost overwhelm you, and instead it brings you to the point of explosion and pain and beauty and love and compassion burst forth...

my little italy

i woke up this week to a dream of italy
aromas of roasted espresso
warm sounds of gathered friends lingering over warm drinks
i listen to the symphony and shapes flowing
effortlessly off the tongues of those around me
its inside of me somewhere, deeper than i was aware

everything is a poem here in my little italy
everything has a more subtle beauty
'you have to give the milk time to relax' says lorenzo
the energy is alive, attentive
and yet everything runs a bit more slowly


salivating, my eyes roll over each brilliant colored gelato
we are all watching one another
all sharing stories, transfusing into the one great story

the evening flies by, as they always do here
the warm air is quietly stepping out the door,
not wanting to disturb the other guests whose
cheeks are still flushed from the heat, from the happiness

autumn has arrived
and there i am in my little italy once again
the smells, the sounds, the sights, the people
all the glamour of italy has rushed into me once again

only maybe it hadn't truly disappeared...

discoveries and reflections

why did you hide yourself my dear,
behind your beautiful veneers, and
your shimmering, golden hair?

why were so so gripped in fear?
to protect yourself and
restrict us from being aware

of your ingenuity,
your insight
your radiant creativity and drive?

how for so long did you harbor such
self loathing and
did you not find it to be
unbearable?

why did your best expressions only trot the stage at midnight,
in secret books, secret symphonies?
why did the moon deserve to see you in your full, naked beauty?

and when will you ever see the beauty of your smile,
smile that lit the room and inspired our hearts...

why did you hide yourself my dear?

entering god

"In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence...I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God". -Ephesians 3.12-19

paul is praying for something he knows already exists and has been done, or given.his hope and prayer is that we would grasp and know it (it being the kingdom of god being within us) in a real way. tangibly. not feel good stuff.

the big difference between belief and experience in gods love is an issue of the heart- both require a certain awareness and conscious activity; yet one maybe rooted on a deeper level than the other. to believe the teachings of christ and to know and understand god through his revelations, we must see the tangible results of a profound transformation of our perceptions, our actions, our lives, because of our faith and connectedness in god, creator.

our obedience to god shouldn't be necessarily rooted in our obedience to the people who consider themselves appointed by god, nor should it be to a form or a community or a building or a rule. our obedience to god should be rooted in an reflect a genuine connection and awareness of god-spirit that cannot yield anything but love, an increasing desire for him, our present working out of salvation, worship.

look at nature. the inanimate creation exists because of the same energy and intention as we do- and in its somewhat lifelessness, it can do nothing but worship and lay obedient to god. the mountains speak of god constantly, in every moment, every light, every season.

we can't ignore god. we can't ignore the people who know and experience and are enriched by their oneness with god. we can't ignore the people who aren't so connected and who are equally searching for what it is their hearts say is missing.

god has revealed the knowledge of himself, of us in him, of the existence outside of time and boundaries, through christ. and paul was plugging into something even deeper, begging us to understand just how rich and abundant and transcendent life with god can be...

the writers freedom

writers block i may meet from time to time,
yet writing is what lets my spirit, my mind to fly.

if not for writing, i may have dreams, i may observe all the different scenes
yet without writing where would i be?

lost in the rhythms and the mazes that are me

writers block i may stumble upon and yet
if not for writing,
how ever else would i experience freedom

to think and process and create and reflect
to share and to wonder and practice and keep in check

all these musings, all these songs that flutter and soar
aimlessly while in my head
and more concretely when i write them of myself instead

unfiltered findings...

you persist in me.
like the consistent perfect alarm of the sun's first greeting.
times scorned upon and times rejoiced over reflect
your unfailing persistence of me.

i will not die today.

i might be torn apart or worn down and yes, woe is me.
i may fall or cry in silence
but you,

you persist in me and no,

i will live today...

stimulation

william blake is a name i studied and discussed at length in college. and yet i find i am just beginning to unveil the depth and meaning of his words from a different context than i found myself while at school. kahil gibran is a name i've no tangible connection to other than being associated with these raw, fire-in-my-bones sensations resulting from reading his thoughts on life, on love, on the deeper subtleties of humanity. i'm inspired and intrigued because, from what i understand of these two men, their experience of god was very much involved with the christian faith, and yet their personal explorations and cultures allowed them vastly greater perceptions, exposure and immersion in entirely different cultures than what is typically 'christian'.

here are some overviews, overlaps, over-the-counter available narrations of the potential for good and rightness in our human experience that are reminding me of the bigger picture, encouraging me in my faith, my journey, uplifting me in a time of questioning, doubting, craving, learning, exploring...words from a couple of brilliant poets that make life's quest unquestionably, simple.

on love
-we must give of ourselves to love, to "charge all things we fashion with a breath
of our own spirit"(gibran), and from this we will be most inclined to be joyful,
to forgive, to become great..
-"when love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep" (gibran)

on our limited experience of god
-as we make attachments to people, ideas, our bodies even, we limit ourselves.
"he who binds himself to joy does the winged life destroy; but he who kisses the
joy as it flies lives in eternity's sunrise"(blake).
-"man has no body distinct from his soul; for that called Body is a portion of ihs
soul discerned by the fire senses, the chief inlets of Soul in this age" (blake)

on struggle
-"in seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy'(blake).

on living life to the full
-be thankful. in receiving. in eating. in working. in growing.
-"think in the morning. act in the noon. eat in the evening. sleep in the night"
(blake)

sesame seeds,almonds, a dose of zinfandel and endless possibilities

in the midst of a somewhat hectic, emotional though cleansing day i will claim that in the end of it all, i love to cook.

i love to cook with wine. sometimes i'll add it to the recipe :) mix in a good dose of john coltrane, a little splash of creative juice, some serious solitude, and you've got an incredible recipe for self expression, satisfaction, and a beautiful toasted sesame almond honey chewy bar.

conversations today included personal frustrations, emotional responses, the necessity of having one's own space, of controlling one's environment and self motivation (because that's really all you have to control in the long run), the boundless nature of god and our limited understanding or exploration of the bigger god picture, time management and value, gardens and their ever momentary evolutions, business and venture capitalism, change of roles, the delight of physical exhaustion and the new moon's patient oncoming...

just a taste of tonight... thoughts inspired and mellowed by wine ought always to be recorded....