asking questions...looking in mirrors

there are so many questions. its fascinating how the mind can work itself silly in deep ponderings...i took a walk today through the park at dusk, my mind was running so far ahead of my steps with questions about 'who am i', 'who is god', what do i want, what does god want, how can i use my talents, my relationships, my questions even, to glorify Him, what will the next year bring, what will the next week bring, am i healthy, are my friends and family healthy, what else can i be doing to pursue a deeper, more rich communion with my creator and to share and enjoy and explore all that that entails with those surrounding me?

i look up and see the cutest cotton-candy pink clouds. i am affirmed that however God works, it is always beautiful and good...later i look in the mirror and see my own eyes and my facial structure, see life being exuded out of a body that came from dust, amazed at how he creates and guides us in everything...relieved for a moment of all my questions...
-b

peace and chaos

finding myself at somewhere around 12,000 ft elevation, surrounded by thick pine trees on a slope heavy laden with 2 feet of fresh powder, completely alone and completely awestruck at the silence, the majesty of my surroundings, the peacefulness of that moment, somehow a little saying from a card i once received flooded my mind...

was nietzsche on to something when he said, "one must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star"?

i've been reading quite a bit since being on holiday (shocking that i still have any capacity for reading outside of school work), two books in particular that i have chosen to read simultaneously because each offers insight about god, people, and the processes of getting deeper and closer to to communion with Him, or 'the ultimate'.

in my short time here on earth i have come to realize that every person is innately broken. there's a certain degree of fragmentation within us, deeper than our physical bodies, minds and energies. there's a brokenness within our spirit, that stems from our "willful and chronic mistrust"(1) in god's Word and and his interaction with us. its almost as if we are limited from truly experiencing the peace, and unboundedness of God, of being His creation...there's a certain chaos in each human being that somehow manifests itself as a result of this, and i have found from history, stories, and testimonies that we're all doing the same thing... "the vast sea of humanity of which I am part is constantly looking for something, striving toward something, failing again and again and trying again and again" (2)

i suppose that when i read nietzsche's words i was struck with an enormous question: the chaos and commotion instilled in each individual soul can either be very destructive, causing us pain and trial as a result of repeated attempts to find peace, to find truth in things, places, or people where that peace does not exist...or it can propel us on our journeys, catalyzing in us creativity and productivity, introspection and intellectual pondering, relationships with one another and closer communion and depth of understanding of Who has created us.

so what is the dancing star? is it creativity? is it pleasure or joy or the beauty of our unique individuality? if we do find a release from our inner chaos, if we do find God and begin to trust Him, to submit ourselves to Him, to merge our souls into a peaceful communion with the Creator, does this eliminate our ability to give birth to those dancing stars? or will it somehow ignite our energies, sharpen our sensitivities, empower us to think and sing and grow and change and create and enjoy all the more as He intended us to do??? what about the snow covered peak? there is beauty and divinity even about an entire mountainside in perfect, untouched snow, but isn't it all the more thrilling and inspiring to see one perfect trail from a ski or snowboard running right through the middle of the untouched snow and to think about that path, that person's experience and journey, the little bit of chaos in the midst of a huge blanket of peace and perfection?

(1) "A New Way To Be Human" by Charlie Peacock
(2) "Midnights With a Mystic" by Cheryl Simone and Sadghuru Jaggi Vasudev

the beginning of it all, is it not?

'oh come oh come Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel'

Christmas season has rested heavily and wonderfully upon me this year. I''ve found my way back to Colorado, met by the chilly mountain air and the bright-sunshine-dancing-delightful-mornings...I've been surrounded by warm fires, smiles, good music, an abundance of rich food (maybe too rich for my little gypsy body to handle), and an overwhelming sense that people are finally understanding what Christmas is all about...that because of the beautiful and gentle light that has been given us, someday, somehow it's all going to make sense and be made right...

I'm chalk full of images of my 6 nieces and nephews playing with the nativity set, making thank you cards for Saint Nicolas, gathering round the tree in hopes of opening presents, images of delicate hearts and delicate spirits being loved and guided and adored as we also gather to love and adore the gentle one who guides us...
...now i'm ready for another day, another chance to breathe and sing and stretch and praise God for his magnificent beauty and creation and love. ready to catch some powder on those mountains that have been, for weeks now, beckoning me....

-b-