transformation is a mouthful

a push, a breeze, a more than subtle impetus is what i need.

all my dreams, though some maybe quite quixotic, all my desires, my plans and my responsibilities, these inspirations and projects and plans and prospective inner growth always seem to gain so much strength and fervor, just like the silly rainstorms in san diego. they build build build with deep intensity, promise to deliver rain, the air temperature changes and the skies blue fades and we expect so much to come from it and...

it fizzles. a few spitting mists of atmosphere-dirty moisture that tease and torment us fall every-which-way from the sky and then its back to being 65 and sunny again.

i see this pattern in myself and it drives me crazy. because i'm tired of the sunny and 65 forecast for my journey, for my personal transformation and hunger to affect people and the world and to live the full and abundant life god intends me to live.

i want to write a book. i'm not sure what it will look like but i really want to go through that process and to hand to someone the final, creative, hopefully inspiring and somewhat accurate product and be damn proud of myself.

i want to work for a company or organization that transforms people- spiritually, emotionally, socially, environmentally.
i want to use my hands and my mind and my body and my ability to connect with people and my love for this earth and this life to really make progress in restoring the way we humans exist.
i want to plant gardens and teach people to grow good food. i want to encourage people to wear sunscreen and not waste water.
i want to read books with kids and play in cardboard boxes outside with them and give them hope and inspiration to play, to learn, to love, to seek after everything that they even unconsciously yearn for.
i want to write music and play my guitar for my own pleasure, to express my emotions and work through my thoughts, to praise god and celebrate love, sunshine, and the human experience. i want to practice more advanced finger-picking and chord structures, to push myself to master songs that i normally just sing to in the privacy of my car and not be afraid to bust them out for friends and family.
i want to be a good sister, daughter, friend, girlfriend, granddaughter, aunt, cousin, neighbor and keep up with people, affirm them, encourage, them, celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, send cookies and give more of myself.
i want to keep being the strong, athletic, driven girl that somehow i have created myself to be. i want to exercise harder, go further, stick to my disciplines, enjoy the sweat, the energy, the endorphins, the cleanse, the joy of respecting the beautiful body that god made in me.
i want to be financially stable so that i can afford to do the things in life that make it rich and god glorifying. i want my kids to have that freedom as well.
i want to own and run a cafe someday soon that explores food, people, culture, god, business, and music. i want it to be the ideal neighborhood hang out. i want it to be edgy and inviting, different but totally comfortable. profitable and educational.

i could go on.

and i think this is a great endeavor. it runs through my brain constantly and when there are moments that i forget or lose sight or step outside of my discipline and focus to get there i lose so much stamina and i get so upset.

so if you read this and you know me, come along side me. help me make the best out of even unsatisfying storms. lets breath and work and play and eat and strive to be the best we can be as humans, as god's, as each others